Health Anxiety and Me
Before anyone keeps scrolling to read, I want to include TWs below to let you know there will be more serious topics discussed in this entry. I don’t want to be careless and end up triggering any negative emotions.
Potential trigger warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, medical content / trauma
I dread writing about my fear of the doctors. It makes me angry that it’s still present when I’m in my late 20s. It’s embarrassing to accept these feelings. I struggle to be vulnerable about the fear. I thought to myself several times, don’t write about this because it’s not necessary. Nobody cares, keep everything bottled up inside.
That was just the anxiety talking…..again.
It can be difficult for me to function properly when any appointment date comes closer. I get irritable, scared, I feel pins and needles in my arms and legs, sometimes even slight pressure in my chest. I feel the tingling sensation right now as I’m typing. The fear of the unknown kept me from scheduling any appointments for at least a year or two.
After doing some self-reflection, I remembered moments from my childhood when I would go into panic mode in doctor’s offices. When I was a little girl, I’d scream and cry at the sight of a needle. In high school, I would get a pit in my stomach after receiving mail from the healthcare company my family was insured with at the time.
I remember when I used to think symptoms of generalized anxiety were related to hormones. See though, if I had gone to the doctor more often back then—I could have gotten the proper answers I needed much sooner. Wow, go figure.
And yes, I do have coping mechanisms for my anxiety now that I can use if needed. My new PCP was very friendly and patient with me when I met her. I felt safe opening up to her that day. You’d think I would be feeling more confident by now. Considering how everything has been smooth sailing so far!
However, as a grown woman, there are new concerns to be cautious of. I try so hard not to focus on any of the worst potential outcomes. I try not to do “research” on symptoms. I can’t do it. I still have my annual women’s wellness exam next week, and I cannot make myself feel any worse. My health means everything to me. I take it very seriously.
I eat healthy foods, I exercise, I normally get 7-8 hours of sleep, I get my COVID vaccines, I carry a mask in my bag so I can wear it in crowded areas. Yet the anxiousness still lingers. It’s like a bug buzzing around me. When I try to get it away, the “bug” keeps coming back. I’m exhausted.